What lies within..

angelus_raptor left bulletshell casings at 23:46

Sunday, July 17, 2005

W.E.R.I.D. ... hey wait, i didn't spell that right...

W.E.R.I.D. ... hey wait, i didn't spell that right...

i know you guys have been waiting for a philosophical speech from me once again, however i'm rather tied down to work lately. anyways, i have this log which i typed the second i woke up. yeah, the second i woke up. you'll see why. and don't say i didn't warn you, it's pure weird.

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It's so real. Reoccurred too many times, how could I have missed it? It was rather bloody obvious, yet I did not see it right in front of my eyes.

I kept having this dream about this girl. She's the typical Miss Popular type, one with looks and charisma. Even though she's a freshie of the school, she's gained quite the popularity there, through her looks. She has a taint of the Cordy aura, but not as obnoxious as Cordy High School.

We're both in the same class, and my class resembled much of my current c-111(G) class in poly.

So here goes. Just the first day of school and we, the class were hanging out. I just started a conversation with Girl and we chatted, like ordinary young adults do. However, I was able to make her laugh, entertain her with my humour. She liked it of course.

So we chatted and all, till late, and the class was hanging out til late the day, and they were wondering why Girl and me we always together. They began teasing us, like as if we had a thing for each other. Girl didn't acknowledge it, but she didn't deny it neither...

Next scene, pretty much the same, except we had a class outing and we are once again hanging out. Conversations ensues with Girl and humour was abundant, we're flirting with each other now, and that’s in front of my other classmates. After the barbecue, me and Girl head out to have a walk, and we chatted more. This time we're chatting more personal stuff, something deeper.

And I think, at the end of our conversation about our personal troubled family problems, and my constant yet firm reassurance, she held my hand that time and it was then I truly gazed into her eyes. Nothing occurs after, we were having this calm silence between us, enjoying it to the very bit. we had found common ground to two different lives, one of the ordinary Me and the other, of the Popular Girl.

Act 3. my recent dream. Couple of days, I dunno, weeks, a month (?) passed. I carried conversations with Girl too, and we’re okay, and we’re like close friends. we're in the school library, probably the 8th floor, where people seldom frequent. With a couple of other classmates there, we were doing our schoolwork.

I started a conversation with Girl, although this time, wth a slight worry that I may not be able to make her laugh as usual, because it's what I do everyday. Fortunately, she still enjoy my humour and it calmed me knowing she still enjoys it. A brief moment passed, committing that moment to work, then she started a conversation about her problems again. I reassured her with my confident and firm manner, gazing deep into her eyes as I do that.

Then something happened. I was telling her the words, how the world would eventually be fine. She accepts my words and believed them, yet she’s still worried. I could see it in her features, her frown upon her beautiful visage. Thus I offered my hand to her, asking for her hand. Perplexed, she wonders of my actions, but I told her "it'll work,"

So she offered her hand to mine, and I held it to my hand right. I felt her worries and(I dunno the word for it. I used my fingers to stroke her hand), calming her physically. I want her to know how I will be there for her, letting her feel secure, knowing that my security for her is real.

Then was her turn to puzzle me. She offered her other hand to mine, wanting to hold my other hand. She must have noticed my perplexed look, but when I look to her eyes, she had that determination there, the burning fire so sure of her actions. I was affirmed, and offered my left hand to hers. She did the very thing I did to her, and I returned the actions, ending with a warm grasp with her hands.

I gazed to her eyes. I was sure of what I am.

She gazed to my eyes. She feels my comfort there, though my hands, my words, my actions.

She stood up and leand over, planting a kiss to my hands. She sat back and looked at me with a sad smile, seeing how harsh reality is, and the confrontational situation between her and her parents, and how I am here, giving her the support and comfort I could offer.

I now stood up and kissed her hands. The worrisome look gone from her features, they conveyed wonder and surprise. Was there delight? Only God knows.

She brought my hands towards her and cradled my hand to her face. I felt her warmth under her skin, my heart began to palpitate with a warm reasoning. I felt calmed; she felt calmed with my prescence, convinced that even if the world were to end, all's right with the world.

I was happy that she have found comfort and is now feeling better, however I cannot shake the feeling of whether I am worthy of such love. My past experience had led me to think that I am not worthy of such, and that love is which I cannot truly offer. It was a fear within me, a dark mistrust circling round my heart, putting restrains, constricting it.

Yet, even at this painful moment for me, I am at ease, knowing that my girl is feeling fine, her own fears comforted.

Fade to black.

End of scene.

PS: I think I’m getting a fever.
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i warned you! and there are more weird dreams lately. no, you don't wanna know. haha =)

seeya!

angelus_raptor left bulletshell casings at 01:16

Saturday, July 09, 2005

BS

bullshit. i typed a nice entry i should say, and all of a sudden, when i highlight the entire text, everything dissapears. bullshit. f' it. and don't expect me to type it again, my posts all depend on my mood, and apparently i've lost it. bullshit.

angelus_raptor left bulletshell casings at 21:38

Thursday, July 07, 2005

yeah right. flat lined now. Part II.

yeah right. flat lined now. Part II.

i really don't know what to put here. writer's block, as Jeremy says.

anyway, i should say, if i start talking medieval, please forgive me. Vampire The Masquerade is taking over me. haha.

also, the game's set in medieval times, and the Knights of St. John are involved! ^.^ as a vamp, i feed on them. don't worry, i take what i need, i don't kill ^.^

seeya.

angelus_raptor left bulletshell casings at 23:51

yeah right. flat lined now.

yeah right. flat lined now.

i intended to blog about something, but i'm not really up to it today. it's about me and my new addiction to Vampire The Masquerade. lol.

everything's on a lighter shade on my side. my sympathies to those involved in the train bomb attacks at London.

really lazy to blog. or maybe it's because the RP in my forum's taking a new topic! hehe ^.^

i say 'fuck you' to my problems and stomp towards victory.

what else... i really don't know what to say.

see?! brain jammed!

supper, FA Manual, sleep. hasta luego!

angelus_raptor left bulletshell casings at 23:41

Saturday, July 02, 2005

The sorrow within

The sorrow within

recent events have pushed me to the edge, truly testing my capabilities. i could have sworn that i might have gone quite mad, in a matter of fact. thankfully, i am still here, yet a tinge of sorrow remains.

over the past month, i was challenged to complete a number of assignments, as as stated in my previous few posts in "the ultimate BS to-do list". having completed so, and resuming AST II training is a pain, but the pain i endured. out i survived, and now an impeding challenge arises.

the day before, my mother really went over the edge and disallowed me from joining the day's SJAB training. she only permits me to attend one session for the weekend, which means probably the last session for me for the training. she thinks i'm putting too much time to SJAB. screw it.

tried to tell Cheekai earlier but i was fucked up trying to catch up on my sleep. knocked out after getting casualty actors for today's training. i'm rather sure he's thinking i'm a fucked up hind arse for telling him the news last minute.

my term tests are coming. sure, they might seem lesser of the importance, but my parents are expecting good grades. they'll fuck me up if i screw my grades. of course, there's the other matter regarding the mandatory passes for certain subjects, such as NMM. let's see... if i fail NMM, i fail the semester. well done.

i hate it when my siblings fight. this means parental intervention. i couldn't sleep soundly last night, overhearing the verbal exchange between my mother and two of my siblings: my brother and younger first sister. it was a pain to hear her scream, a heartbreaking moment. i really couldn't stand it.

i could have just poured this and more to my best friend Nick, however he's in the hospital. again. God please have mercy and grant him a steadfast recovery, amin. and, with that bloody ulcer, he's at discomfort most of the time. talking is a pain, so he rather communicate through SMS.

i lay on my bed, flashing memories of events i rather not recall. more heartbreak of memories long ago, with of all people, my parents. it was nothing more than insanity, i was losing my grip, i was seeing Shinji within myself.

i cried. do not be surprised of the slightly red right eye. yeah, it's still there, even now.

see me now, blogging about my misery, and after all, only human.

what could i do today? my mind switched off, literally. i see but could not grasp. i read but could not comprehend. i was out of my mind, a flat line coma patient. but a sudden thought struck my mind, thank God Almighty, and i surfed a certain website.

my thanks to www.islamonline.com. helped me regroup my thoughts, gain some insight. made me feel a little better.

so am i back to the jolly bouncy Laa-Laa'a ball? no. i'm just Angelus, but a little better. it's like him and Buffy, sitting side to side. neither chatting nor doing some romantic stuff, just sitting and enjoying each other's presence, as much as they could ever.

a new day tomorrow. i've resolved to push on. don't expect me to be a sudden Zaft soldier, just know that this human is pushing himself beyond humanly limits. i just hope i can jump back, or someone catch me when i fall.

PS: and for some reason, right now, i want to thank the Almighty. thank you.

angelus_raptor left bulletshell casings at 23:00