What lies within..

angelus_raptor left bulletshell casings at 01:27

Friday, October 27, 2006

It's a late goodbye...

It's a late goodbye...

I'm a darn proud blogger, I am.

In this month alone, I probably blogged more often than the number of times in the previous months. I counted about eighteen posts in this month, and with this one, I guess it's nineteen.

Twenty-seventh October. Somehow I like the number twenty-seven. I think it has to do with it being near the end of the month. It's a sundown feel, if you know what I mean. I like the end of years, because it feels like a twilight moment, of some sorts. Like there's some magic towards the end of years. And, the magic you feel when the sun sets. It's a different feel from sunrise - sunrise prompts retreat, or renewal. Sundown feels... welcoming. Wonderful. It feels like an end, but the end brings new beginnings.

I'm sleepy, and tomorrow concludes week 01 of the new school semester. Rawwkin' so far, and hope all stays good.

Love to H.

Sayonara~

angelus_raptor left bulletshell casings at 01:13

Tuesday, October 24, 2006

No distance

No distance

It's like a dream
A dream I don't want to forget

When I see you, it doesn't matter
What the world brings
Even if the world shattered below
Or the ice pitchforks rained down
It doesn't matter

The sky, all the same
The same heavens right above the modest earth
I looked up to the sky
I feel the tears, but I don't want to cry
I couldn't, and I have reason

Right under that same star
I can close my eyes
The feeling, empowering
If only we were closer

Back home, all's same
The other side of the canal, a great adventure
Something I can feel afraid, where my journey be lost threads
Yet I move on
Because I can feel you

You say your hugs
I can feel, just feel
So powerful, I can just taste your lips
Even if you're there, and I'm here

Then I look up to the ceiling
Trace the air your name
I close my eyes, mind wander
And I can only see you

Like I want to for the rest of my life

Love to H.

Sayonara~

angelus_raptor left bulletshell casings at 04:12

Saturday, October 21, 2006

A slow dance

A slow dance

You really touched me. Thank you.

And yes, I promise to take better care of my sleep schedule ^___^

Love you.

Sayonara~

angelus_raptor left bulletshell casings at 04:25

Wednesday, October 18, 2006

Lithium - 'tis a good song

Lithium - 'tis a good song

Ah.

And as quickly as it came, semester break's already at it's end. A pity.

There isn't much of the break left. This Sunday's the last day, and the day after, school. The day after that, Hari Raya. I'm not sure if I'll enjoy it.

It's been five years. I don't see what's different. Or maybe, all these things, it does explain a little. Or maybe I'm just too weak. First year it was still a good fight. This time, it's... a complete failure.

I dissapoint myself. Moreso, I dissapoint... that One? No, I can't think of it that way. I am only a servant.

Still, it disgusts me everytime I fail.

Still have tasks I'm supposed to complete. Past few days, I worry. Now, it's apathy. It's pathetic.

If "I Quit" was just as simple as saying the words.

There's a lot of things I wish to change.

Somehow, perhaps for the first time, I don't want the procrastination to go away. This still surprises me.

I don't think I've done much in this holidays. Something I've wanted to do. Which, is to do nothing.

Going back is gonna be an ass.

Hm. There seems to be a school briefing this Thursday. I might not be going, due to personal reasons not to be mentioned. Lucky thing it's not that important anyways. Haha.

I want to be wanted. But you can't ask for that, neh? It... just happens.

Four thirteen. Hm. Oh. Some nice fella uploaded good quality Evangelion episodes onto Youtube. Awesome rockkin'. Watched those a bit. Nice memories revisted.

There's a few other anime I'm watching too. Noir, and Full Moon something. Haha.

Well. Should get going. A few more days, and Hari Raya. I don't feel as excited as before. But I know, it's all within me.

Missing H.

Sayonara~

angelus_raptor left bulletshell casings at 04:06

Sunday, October 15, 2006

All these talk about birthdays

All these talk about birthdays

There had been so much talk about birthdays recently. Haha.

It just seems like a coincidence that so many of my friends' bithdays happen to fall towards the end of the year. I know of a few September babies *coughdaslayercough :P*, which also includes one of my favourite stars, Avril Lavigne. October has loads of people, out of which a handful are my freshmen year classmates. There's also my brother, haha.

Ma asked what I wanted for my own birthday. I know what I want, but... there are other crazier things which I would like, but am not sure whether I could get them. And I know full well one of them wish will surely not be wished for this birthday, haha. I'm gonna have to work for that one.

Would it be weird, that after all these years where I've practically dreaded my birthdate, this time round I'm sorta looking for it instead? Insane, and I'm a hyprocrite. Haha.

It's just that, I've got more than a few consequential instances of sucky birthdays. Hence me not looking forward to them. And I thought that, if I'm gonna make it through the day without anything at all, it'll be real lucky for me. Haha...

I've always wanted a guitar. But recently I'm thinking of getting an organ. I wouldn't mind either, actually. Though I would have to check the prices. See the affordable one. But probably the 'rents would go with an organ, cause my sis already has a guitar. They like diversity, you see. Haha.

Either is good. Yeah...

...

Yeah. That's pretty much it. Oh! The new Evanescence album, The Open Door. Yeah. I haven't got that, nooo. Maybe once I pay off my debts to Kel Da Man, maybe then I'll start saving up (slowly) for the album.

And also, there's that treat over at Starbucks. Hahaha. I've always said I'll head to Starbucks to chill out. I've never really got around to doing that.

And I think that's about it. Haha.

I wish I can make a phonecall on that day. Haha.

I really wonder what this year's one gonna be like...

Hm. Alright. Going off, though I won't be sleeping much, I reckon. Restarting the internal clock, you see. About a week away to the end of this school break.

Love to H.

Sayonara~

angelus_raptor left bulletshell casings at 05:49

Saturday, October 14, 2006

From the movie itself...

From the movie itself...

Love is always patient and kind

Its never jealous

Love is never boastful or conceited

It is never rude or selfish

It does not take offence

And its not resentful

Love to H.

Sayonara~

angelus_raptor left bulletshell casings at 02:55

Audioslave

Audioslave

Gah. Was supposed to be at Nat's, to, by words of Boon, "surprise the fuck out of him!". But, I didn't go. Terrible sore eyes. Gah. I'm sorry Nat. And Happy Birthday =)

Nic once told me, to win is to lose, and to lose is to win.

Despite not heading to Nat's, I had a great time online =) I FINALLY got to watch A Walk to Remember. You know, the movie adaptation of the book of the same title by Nicholas Sparks? Yeah. The one Mandy Moore stars in. Hahaha.

I had a nice time watching it with H. Hahaha. But, we couldn't finish the movie in time. Sad XD Ohwells, I guess tomorrow night.

I'm not sure how it will go. How it will look like five, ten years down the road.

But a part of me is happy. And it's releasing, comforting in a way, because - gah, it's just too long. I meet someone whom I'm just happy to be around with. And whether tomorrow comes with it's troubles, or the future obscured, I just want to enjoy this moment, sweet memories and all.

And if things just don't work out - let the sun fall down over me. Haha.

I've got something else to post, but it's deserving in a seperate post itself. Once again, I'm very sorry Nat, for not being able to make it to your birthday surprise.

Sayonara~

angelus_raptor left bulletshell casings at 02:45

Thursday, October 12, 2006

Noir

Noir

So there you were. After all these years. After all the dreams, and the chases, and all the things we'd done to get together. My heart skipped a beat. After all, it is hard to imagine, let alone comprehend the truth of the reality. Oh, blissful reality. For once it played a hand I have no qualms to.

I turned the doorknob, and it was my room. Just as it is, but something different. The shelves hold the same books, the bed positioned against the wall, where the window opens up to the coastal houses.

It was night. The sky was its usual, but the stars shone like never before. Or maybe it was a calling, of the circumstances which lie in to let us play out our destinies. Maybe it was.

There was an energy in the room, that's what makes it different. It was like never like a dream before, niether would any experience equate to this.

You sat at the corner of the bed. As I entered you looked up to my eyes. I smiled as I see your eyes lit up.

I placed the drink on the bedside table, and let it rest there. Somehow, I felt a message within my consciousness; it called out to me, wanting something.

When I look into your eyes, the walls of my room crumbled. The mighty stars above dimmed and paled, and everything else dissapeared as evanescent dust trails.

You became the star. You outshone the rest.

I sat next to you, and turned to face you. Your lips formed their smile. It was priceless.

I moved my hand, and felt yours.

And...

(Haha. There was a soundtrack from this anime Noir which I'm currently addicted to. Gave me this drive to write this.

Dear love to H)

Sayonara~

angelus_raptor left bulletshell casings at 01:20

Wednesday, October 11, 2006

When you're bored, you do quizzes!

When you're bored, you do quizzes!

A couple of quizzes I did. In truth, I did a LOT of quizzes. These few are just some which I want to put in.

What Kind of Soul Are You?

You Are a Hunter Soul

You are driven and ambitious - totally self motiviated to succeed. Actively working to acheive what you want, you are skillful in many areas. You are a natural predator with strong instincts ... and more than a little demanding. You are creative, energetic, and an extremely powerful force.

An outdoors person, you like animals and relate to them better than people. You tend to have an explosive personality, but also a good sense of humor. People sometimes see you as arrogant or a know it all. You tend to be a bit of a loner, though you hate to be alone.

Souls you are most compatible with: Seeker Soul and Peacemaker Soul

I like the instinct part.

If Your Life Was a Movie, What Genre Would It Be?

The Movie Of Your Life Is Film Noir

So what if you're a little nihilistic at times?
Life with meaning is highly over-rated.

Your best movie matches: Sin City, L. A. Confidential, Blade Runner

Wahahaha. Thanks Max Payne. I like this.

What's Your Love Style?

Your Love Style is Agape

You are a caring, kind, and selfless partner.
Unsurprisingly, your love style is the most rare.
You are willing to sacrfice your world for your sweetie.
Except it doesn't really feel like sacrifice to you.
For you, nothing feels better than giving to the one you love.

Uhm, okay. XD No comment.

Do You Have a Type A Personality?

You Have A Type B+ Personality

You're a pro at going with the flow
You love to kick back and take in everything life has to offer
A total joy to be around, people crave your stability.

While you're totally laid back, you can have bouts of hyperactivity
Get into a project you love, and you won't stop until it's done

You're passionate - just selective about your passions

I love the last line - passionate but selective of your passions. Yeah.

Basket, MSN frickkin' DIED. /nukes

Well, till next time. I just don't really know what to blog about these days. I smell food, and I should scram.

Love to H.

Sayonara~

angelus_raptor left bulletshell casings at 03:57

Sunday, October 08, 2006

This is ( another ) short post

This is ( another ) short post

I read my friend's blog recently, and she wrote this.

"When you love someone or something, the feeling is just there

No reasons

No why

Just love it

If you have a reason or a couple of reasons,

it mean you don't love it

you just like it"

It's sweet =)

And quite true as well.

And by the way? My "I" key of my keyboard officially died. The I mght suddenly dissapear, so now you know. ;)

Edit: The above excerpt was taken from my friend, Ting. Go check out her blog, I've got a linkie in the Links section. And while we're at it, visit her other blog, Butterfly Works. She sells... stuff there. Haha. Just check it.

There. Happy, Ting? XD

Sayonara~

angelus_raptor left bulletshell casings at 04:01

I. HATE. My "I" key

I. HATE. My "I" key

It's funny how the world works.

There are times when you're presented with something to do. A simple task, something easy to do. Somehow you don't find the drive to do it. Then you procrastnate, and it drags on the schedule, until reality comes biting in your ass and you realise the harsh light of day fall in and say "Hey, you didn't do so-and-that". Which comes with it's consequences, and they bite you in the ass.

Hate those moments. You maybe regret, and think that you could have done something to it, when you, at that moment of time tried to deal with the situation as it is - and you happen to just set the task aside. Things get worse when you ARE busy as hell, and you gotta priortise on what needs doing. And it sucks when two actions are of equal importance, and you just have to decide on what you need to do. And it bites when the other thing - the thing you delayed - it comes biting you in the ass.

You head left, it's like hell. You got right, it's also like hell. Kinda like, it doesn't matter what you do, you're gonna get hell.

Hate, hate, hate those moments.

Then there were those kind of moments. Moments when, you know clearly what needs doing. What you need to do. It's right there, and you wish you can go right ahead and do it with all your heart - or maybe you were forced in doing so. But then, something comes up and you simply can't do the thing. Like, a block, or exception, or just some bloody circumstance. And it feels not right, when you can do that thing, it's within your means, but the circumstances around you prevent you from doing. You got the drive, but you simply can't. That sucks too.

There are things which I want to do. And there are others I'll avoid like a plague.

There are things I wish I can do now. But they're just... too far away. ;)

I'm liking it, and I do enjoy it... but it would mean a lot more when you know you can give more, you know?

Then there's the case where what you give, isn't returned. I'm a little afraid of that.

( No, it's returned. That, yeah. Haha. )

But I guess if you don't start, nothing will, aye?

I'm believing. I'm believing in the most stupidest thing I could; no - I'M being stupid for holding this belief, thinking that this can really turn out true. But, I've never stopped trying, and I have this thing, which is all which is making me believe. And carry on with this.

I'm the stupidest man on earth :P

Anyways. Zone meeting tomorrow. Not saying I can't wait, but might as well get over it.

Given a choice, I'll just stick to the corps.

Sayonara~

angelus_raptor left bulletshell casings at 01:51

Saturday, October 07, 2006

The coastline

The coastline

I'm hoping my dreams come back. And they are...

Though I do wish they would take a certain direction I would wish to. Hehe.

I have been a little afraid. Because lately I've been given control of my dreams more than I would actually like. I'ld be in a situation where I'ld like to avoid, but somehow I have grasp as to what I want to do. Though, they're scripted as to how the dream goes, but I feel like I'm doing it. You know?

Probably confusing to you :P

And it amazes how realistic the dreams are. I can feel myself holding a tight grip on a damned facehugger Xenomorph. I can feel dog drool when this dog came up to me while I was performing CPR. It all feels real, I feel like my dreams are an extension of my life, in sorts.

I've got intense dreams before. And I find it amusing how some scenes in my dream actually... re-enacts, in real life. Maybe at this stage, it's taking a different dimension?

Well yeah, maybe the premonitions are not as accurate as before. But it's still pretty significant - the signs are still strong. Dog appears in my dreams, I can bet encounters with dogs later after I wake up.

Probably gonna see how this goes. Hopefully it won't dissapear anytime soon, haha.

I wonder if it's possible to meet people in dreams... as in, meet meet, while dreaming. Haha.

Love to H.

Sayonara~

angelus_raptor left bulletshell casings at 00:47

Friday, October 06, 2006

Lie down next to me

Lie down next to me

It's the middle of the night. I just woke up from my nap, so to speak. I have a couple of things to do, but maybe after this.

I've been watching Grey's Anatomy. Okay, the website provides short episode clips only. Not full episodes. It's a bummer, because I think the show's really really good.

I'm looking for a rental store later this afternoon. First, to actually locate the DVD rental, next to find if they have the series. I'm hoping the rental rates are low. Don't want them to be too expensive and all that ;)

Lol, there's a spider crawling up my laptop screen. Nice spider.

Sigh. It's just, one of those moments. Your mind spaces out.

My mind's not exactly spacing out, more of thinking of... heh.

I really wonder what's it gonna be like when we meet. I'm also wondering when we're meeting, you know? Wherever we're going.. we're still good friends, nomatter what. A part of me longs to meet, that moment we get to be really together.

Another part of me dreads that day too... I'm just insecure. Is it insecurity? I'm not sure... or maybe it's just maybe I shouldn't think too much. Yeah. Either ways thinking too much is not a good thing. As proven by some vampire. Haha.

...

Really, my mind's just blank. I'm not sure what to think. It's just the holidays. Nothing much to do, or is there? There's a ton of junk I've not cleared. Which requires immediate cleaning. But I'm not doing a thing about it. Because I'm hating it, hating to do something I can work myself to work on.

But, I think my mind's blank because Chasing Cars had been playing over and over for too long :P

Think I'm off. Maybe see more GA snippets. Or just rest up.

Which reminds me, I need to reply to that damn email...

Seeya. Love to H.

Sayonara~

angelus_raptor left bulletshell casings at 02:37

Tuesday, October 03, 2006

"Oh, I'm gonna liberate the shit out of you,"

"Oh, I'm gonna liberate the shit out of you,"

It's a usual practice, waking up early to eat a little before starting the fast.

I got to the dinner table, wanting to just drink a cup of tea or something. I sorta ate before napping earlier on. Then all of a sudden, there was a frickkin' house lizard on my left arm. This is not the first time a lizard sneak-attacked me while I'm at any dinner table.

I shook my arm so hard, the lizard schoomed, and crashed to the tile flooring and concussed upon impact. After that I had the great urge to get away from that thing. Yes, it's a creepy crawlie, and it's... creepy. But I had a totally different reason for wanting to put distance to that thing, and I just realised how funny it is.

I wanted to wave my arm to it, at safe distance, and say "/NUKEDABASTARD".

Love to H.

Sayonara~

angelus_raptor left bulletshell casings at 05:57

... and just forget the world

... and just forget the world

I wanna keep this short. Because I'm actually feeling sleepy. Haha.

There's a feeling within me I do not know how to explain. Is it a good thing? Is it bad? That, is unsure as well.

I do miss her. A lot. It would be nice to get settled and do our thing - conversations till late, as usual.

You know, you want something, but it's something you're supposed to wait for. The seconds fade, and your heart grows yearning. It feels a little sad. And the feeling lies there, it's just longing for return.

I hope to be able to see you again soon.

Sayonara~

angelus_raptor left bulletshell casings at 02:16

Monday, October 02, 2006

This is a really short post

This is a really short post

The previous post is DAMN BASKET LONG.

[/endShortPost]

~Sayonara. Love you H. Miss you ^_^ *hugs*

angelus_raptor left bulletshell casings at 04:28

Basket; I write and write and write, and all of a sudden, it's 0412 hrs in the morning!

Basket; I write and write and write, and all of a sudden, it's 0412 hrs in the morning!

Beyond the skies, the stars linger. But tonight I can't see a damn thing. Damn clouds. Heh.

I remember there was a time quite sometime back. They were hard times. I was going through a phase I couldn't really understand. I honestly felt I couldn't probably survived it.

God, I'm here today. Somehow I've survived it. Perhaps at a cost, but I'm not sure.

Somehow I'm still alive, so to speak. I know a part of me died. I never know if I can ever return to that sort of person. He was perfect. I, on the other hand, am not. The flaws are apparent to myself, the demons which lie deep, circle within myself. Somehow I feel that while its a distraction, it's beneficial when I use it to my advantage. In some ways...

I know back then, it was a sudden change for me. Lots of stuff to deal with. To survive, I had to lose something. Luck be with me then, I didn't loose everything. I did have support. The people around me, they helped me in some ways. But generally the walk is walked alone.

In doing so, I lost that part of me. Which I know I'll never get back. Not for this life at this moment.

But it's okay. Life isn't simple. That's why I can move on.

In the confusion, there were other elements surrounding me which I felt influenced to. Things which I knew I'ld stay away during before, I felt attracted to. Even worst, I felt good around them. It was scary, yet I felt at ease around those.

Or did I? Thing is, I was just too confused, that my lead and direction just got messed up. If I looked deep enough, those feelings I felt, are feelings I can't trust. Because they're the result of what trauma I'm facing. Then, it was a matter of picking yourself up, finding the true you. In confusion, it's easy to be swayed to something appealing. However in doing so, you're just accepting the demon - which is a part of you, yes - but not the real you.

The Id, Ego and Superego. I've far back identified them within me. During that hard moment, I knew the Id was dominant. It's just the matter of finding back the other selfs and balancing them out. And they become you.

On my own sixteenth birthday, I met with a realisation, that probably I can never have one side of me predominant for too long. They have to balance out, and operate as equals. That's what I feel basically as of today.

I know life sucks. (Heh, just admit it you basket). It's just how you make the best of what you have. Then, whether things goes well for you or not, if you've done what at that moment is your best, then you would not have any regrets.

And I know, sometimes you really do the really really most stupid things at one point of time. Sometimes I wished I didn't have done it. But if I think back - if things had changed, and not happened, would I have grown? I probably don't think so. Not that I like what happened, but I just have to swallow it as best as I can. And live on. To loose is to gain and to gain is to loose.

Yes. When you've lost something, you can learn. When you learn you bury something deep within. Whether you can retrieve it or not, it's a different story.

Haha. Now that you've read a real bunch of crap from me XD thanks for reading anyways. I just writing what comes to me at the moment, you know? The general message is there. I just hate it when I say something, which actually means complete opposites from what I truly want to convey >.<

It means alot of how you feel of what you did. Thank you. It only shows how much you treasure the friendship that we have. For that, I am touched. You know I've forgiven you, right dude? ^_^

Times are messed up at the moment. You are a swirl of confused pictures, and you're just reacting to it, trying to survive. You just need time to set yourself and sort yourself. Find the real you within, and call it out. It would be hard, but the one pulling the self out, would be you, and only you. But I'll be there to support you nontheless, to help you whenever you need it ;)

Drifting from some people, and growing closer to others? It's just a phase, when one're trying to sort him/herself out. By the time you break through this phase you would know more of yourself, and the people you want to associate with. Currently you're breaking away from your own reins - your out and exploring, because this confusion is really where you find your deeper self. And no, it doesn't mean that you really like the polar opposite party - you're just out and experimenting. ;) Give it time, and you would come to realise of who you'ld really want to be with.

Alright. Think that's what I really want to say XD because, I'm just afraid of saying things which means the absolute wrong thing of what I intended to say. I hate it when that happens.

I really wonder who actually reads this blog... haha.

Take care all. Love to H.

Sayonara~

PS: The music player thingy is not exactly working, and I missed the chance to chat with Claire on a good server to store some of the music files. In the meantime, just click on the mini-player :P it has the song I'm liking at the moment

angelus_raptor left bulletshell casings at 03:26

Sunday, October 01, 2006

It's only one day, Farhan... take it easy...

It's only one day, Farhan... take it easy...

Yes, it's only one day. Earlier on, if I had thought of this, my response would be something like, banging my head against the wall. WITHOUT the aid of a pillow.

Ridiculous, that's what I am XD

Meh, a shower can really cool you down. So... yeah. Haha. I should be normal now. As normal as I can ever be, normally.

Love to H.

Sayonara~

PS: Sei sei sei! I've done some edits to the site. Check it out, haha. Fooo~

Edit: No kids, the music player doesn't work. For now. *chortle*

angelus_raptor left bulletshell casings at 02:48